We usually underestimate how interested people are in deep conversation
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published a study on this topic. With the result: people systematically underestimate how caring and interested distant strangers are in one‘s own intimate revelations and that hese miscalibrated expectations create a psychological barrier to deeper conversations.
Be interested instead of interesting
In conversations, it is natural for us to talk about ourselves. When our conversation partner talks about themselves, we may turn the conversation back to ourselves. This is fine if our goal is to empathize with the other person: We look within ourselves to see if we've had similar experiences that evoke feelings we can identify with the other person. But sometimes our unconscious motives are not so ideal, and the conversation becomes all about ourselves. Our lives are limited, and our world is small. To expand it, you have to go beyond yourself. That means paying more attention to other people, getting into their world and taking a real interest in them. It makes us a better person when we are interested in the person we are talking to, their ideas and feelings. It shows humility, respect, concern and empathy - overall a good heart. Furthermore, a person also seems more interesting when he or she is also interested in others.
Joaquin, B. (2020). Be interested, not just interesting. Rappler. https://www.rappler.com/hustle/adulting/be-interested-empathy-self-help-tips/
Being a genuinely non-judgmental person
If people feel judged by you, they will never trust you with anything. Being judgmental doesn't mean you have to agree with everyone and be on the same page. It simply means giving others the benefit of the doubt and - instead of assuming people are lazy and behaving badly on purpose - believing that everyone is truly trying to be the best version of themselves. Here are some tips to quiet your judgmental voice a bit.
- Blank out superficiality: Try to stop judging how people dress and look. It's what we judge most often, and it's nothing but time-wasting and unnecessary, and it feeds into low self-esteem, the beauty industry, and unrealistic beauty standards.
- Think of your worst 15 minutes before judging strangers: Put it this way: if we were judged by our worst 15 minutes, we'd all be monsters.
- Question your story about this person: Recognize that you never know the whole story of a person and their particular situation. You never know what that person really feels and how you would make decisions in their place.
Horvath, J. (2019). How To Make Any Person Open Up and Feel Deeply Connected to You. Better Humans. https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-make-any-person-open-up-and-feel-deeply-connected-to-you-e4c46a0d9f90
Creating space for a private talk
Very few people feel comfortable telling several people at once about their inner lives, even if they are their closest friends. That's why it's so important to create the right conditions. It should be just you talking to each other. That doesn't mean other people or even friends can't be there (like at a party), but only you should be listening.
Horvath, J. (2019). How To Make Any Person Open Up and Feel Deeply Connected to You. Better Humans. https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-make-any-person-open-up-and-feel-deeply-connected-to-you-e4c46a0d9f90
Be vulnerable and open up to others
If you want other people to be vulnerable with you, you must be willing to be vulnerable with them. People are more than happy to hear that they are not alone with their struggles, that similar things have happened to others and that they are not weirdos and don’t have to be afraid to talk about their life, because other people do it too. The key is to empathize—not trivialize, not try to one-up the experience, or give advice—but to show that you can share in what they are feeling within your own experience.
Horvath, J. (2019). How To Make Any Person Open Up and Feel Deeply Connected to You. Better Humans. https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-make-any-person-open-up-and-feel-deeply-connected-to-you-e4c46a0d9f90
Don’t be afraid of asking intimate questions
Most deep conversations stop because people are so afraid of digging deeper, don’t want to be nosy, or feel uncomfortable with the vulnerability being served to them on a plate. If a person got as far as sharing their secrets or inner struggles with you, it is very unlikely that they will be scandalized by you asking further questions. People feel rather relieved because you give them a kind of permission to talk further and show them your interest in what they have to say.
Horvath, J. (2019). How To Make Any Person Open Up and Feel Deeply Connected to You. Better Humans. https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-make-any-person-open-up-and-feel-deeply-connected-to-you-e4c46a0d9f90
If we stick to the points mentioned above, we have created a space in which people are happy to confide in us. For this to develop into a deep connection, the other person should feel that they have entrusted themselves to the right person. To do this, consider the following:
Give your full attention to the other person without thinking about what you can say next.
Really hearing what is being said. If you're wondering what the difference is between "listening" and "hearing," compare it to reading. There is a difference between reading books absentmindedly and marking the most important parts with a pen and taking notes. Listening, then, is marking and taking notes in your head of what is being said.
When talking about feelings and personal experiences, there is no right or wrong. The other person is always right in their perception, as everyone experiences their own truth.
Before jumping to conclusions or giving advice, try to take a step back. Most people do not expect others to solve their problems; if they do, they will specifically ask for your advice. When people open up and talk about their inner world, they are really looking for validation - the feeling that their feelings are understood and have a reason to exist.
Horvath, J. (2019). How To Make Any Person Open Up and Feel Deeply Connected to You. Better Humans. https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-make-any-person-open-up-and-feel-deeply-connected-to-you-e4c46a0d9f90
